Helpful Hints for Not Being Used as the Decepticons' Kickball
by A'isha Ishtar
Summary: During her time as the only human aboard the Nemesis, Amity has learned a few things about the Decepticons. Mainly, that there are certain things you should and shouldn't do if you don't want the 'Cons using you as a kickball.
1. The Basics

**... I have entirely too many of these.**

**But oh well, here ya go. This one is exclusively for the TF: Prime Decepticons. Because they're too much fun, AMIRITE?**

**Anyway, hope you like, and send me suggestions because I appreciate them greatly!**

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**1. Stop singing about things you don't have.**

(I have a pretty large collection of music on my iPod.)

(When I'm listening to it, I tend to sing out loud - even if I take one ear bud out.)

(If I'm working with Knock Out and Breakdown, they usually don't mind it.)

(Most of the others, though, that's a different story.)

(Starscream - my sorry but well-meaning excuse for a guardian - was ready to tear out my hair, but instead he calmed himself down and offered probably the most perfect sarcastic comment in the history of ever.)

"I don't know who this 'Jagger' person is, Amity, but I'm fairly sure he does his own moves better than you do."

(I just kept on dancing and singing till I realized he was sitting there laughing at me.)

(So I left and decided to go bother Soundwave instead.)

(And by bother, I mean pretend I was helping him enter data in the records while shaking my hips and singing.)

"_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, 'It's better than yours', I could teach you, but I'd have to charge, 'cause my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..._"

(After about a full minute of this, Soundwave politely pointed out, USING MY OWN VOICE, that I didn't have a milkshake. And I could just imagine him behind that faceplate, asking that if I did have one, why wasn't I drinking it?)

(I pouted, pointed to my ass while enlightening him on a bit of slang, and huffed off to go find someone else I could annoy.)

(Somehow I wandered into Megatron's throne room, and I asked if he wanted to see me dance.)

(He had nothing better to do, so I put on a Nicki Minaj song and started dancing.)

(And singing.)

(After the song had ended, I asked Megatron, with high hopes, what he thought of it.)

(He asked me what "va va voom" is.)

(I told him it was something he'd never get, then ran away and cried on Starscream.)

(Unsurprisingly, he didn't really care, but he didn't like my crying either.)

"If it'll make you shut up, you _do_ have Jagger's moves."

(...)

(Is anyone else's guardian this painfully clueless?)

**2. No more naming cosmetics colors after the Decepticons.**

(One day, Starscream had left me to be babysat by Breakdown, of all people.)

(Knock Out and Starscream were going on some kind of scouting mission, and nobody else wanted to deal with me that day.)

(Breakdown was reviewing some patient files, and he basically let me entertain myself while keeping an optic on me.)

(I'd been painting my nails, and unlike Starscream the smell of acetone didn't bug him.)

(After a while, I got tired of watching the polish dry.)

(So I applied another coat. And top gloss.)

(Then I noticed something strange about my new manicure. So I waved Breakdown over, and held up my hand to show him my nails.)

"Doesn't this kind of look like Knock Out's finish?"

(A moment of squinting later, he agreed that yes, it did look like our demented doc's shiny paint job.)

(So we dubbed that color "Knock Out Red.")

(After that we got a little... carried away.)

(Fast forward to two hours later, when Knock Out and Starscream finally came back.)

(I had my toenails painted Megatron Gray. The eyeshadow on my lower lid was Breakdown Blue, and above that was Soundwave Purple.)

(I'd put on lipstick that Breakdown and I had decided was Dreadwing Gold. My rouge was this weird color I'd found amid all my make-up, which we called Starscream Chrome.)

(Knock Out was wholly flattered and happily admired my fingernails, but Starscream told me to go wash off my face.)

(Oh, and he was _sooooo_ telling Megatron about this.)

(I had to do like a million push-ups, but it was nothing compared to how they _could_ have punished me.)

(And to this day, all Breakdown or I need to say to make each other laugh is _Airachnid Pink._)

(We regret nothing.)

**3. No more midnight "magic carpet rides" with Starscream.**

(I get mad on probably a daily basis, but a lot of times I cool down very quickly.)

(I'm a normally mellow person. I don't like being angry and holding grudges against people.)

(I especially don't like it when the same happens to _me._)

(So when it does - A.K.A., Knock Out saying I can't do anything right and _yelling_ in my face because I make a few mistakes - I tend to get my feelings hurt.)

(I hide in a closet so I can pretend that really, nobody cares and that my life is worthless.)

(Someone always finds me.)

(Sometimes it's Soundwave, who carries me back to the communications room with him and lets me sit by his keyboard while he types.)

(He's great with that, mostly because anyone else would ruin it by opening their big mouth.)

(Most often, though, it's Starscream who finds me. It's kind of a guardian thing, I guess.)

(He always knows when I'm upset, and he comes to get me and comfort me and the next day beat the slag out of whoever made me cry.)

(Then at nighttime, when most of the others are in recharge, he'll sneak out of the ship with me and, making sure I'm holding on, take me on a flight.)

(At first he'll dive down in bipedal mode, then he'll transform into jet mode at the last second.)

(It feels like I'm going to fall and splat, but then I end up in his cockpit!)

(And as dirty as that sounds, it's really not.)

(The last time we did this, though... well... I was trying to steer him, he was laughing, and we almost crashed back into the ship.)

(Now we can't do it anymore.)

(He's tried to come up with something else he can do with me when I'm upset, but he refuses to sit down, eat ice cream, and watch _Rizzoli and Isles_ with me like a good friend.)

(Starscream is really starting to get on my nerves about how the show is stupid and ice cream isn't good for me.)

(I hope Lord Megatron revokes this rule soon, because the feeling of wanting to bash my guardian's helm with a shovel is starting to disturb me just a little.)

**4. Stop trying to give the ****_Nemesis_**** a walking avatar to satisfy your own romantic needs.**

(Oh come on! It was kind of cool when the ship became sentient.)

(Except for the fact that it was trying to kill organics, of which I am.)

(So, it was cool other than the fact that I spent quite a while playing hide-and-seek with the ship's sensors.)

(But when the ship talked, it sounded kind of like Maurice from _Penguins of Madagascar,_ but deeper and... dare I say it... sexier.)

(So... call me wrong, but I developed a very brief - and I mean _VERY_ brief - crush on the _Nemesis,_ despite the fact that he was actively trying to kill me because I was a human.)

(So once our ship's sentience was terminated, I was kind of sad and missed his voice.)

(Finally, I up and asked Soundwave if it was possible to create an avatar for the ship. You know, something that could walk around and interact with all of us.)

(And _no,_ I was not hoping for some robo-action, so get your minds out of the gutter!)

(I was just... kind of lonely. I wanted someone who was looking for a relationship, appreciated me for what I was, and wouldn't just brush me off because I was human.)

(All of which immediately disqualify most, if not all, of the _Nemesis_'s crew.)

(Soundwave told me no, and why would I want to do something like that anyway?)

(Later, once I was sure he was asleep, I snuck into his communications room and tried to do it myself.)

(Unfortunately, what I wanted apparently couldn't be done, and I got very frustrated, disappointed, and depressed.)

(Soundwave found me the next morning curled up in his chair, sobbing and twitching with my iPod on full freaking blast.)

"Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars? Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart..."

(He took me to Starscream, who gave me a long lecture that I paid very little attention to.)

(I made a playlist just for me and _Nemesis._)

(Some days when no one's looking and I need a little encouragement, I'll press myself up against one of the ship's walls and start listening to the playlist. Pretend he's still there with me and that he loves me now.)

(Sometimes, I think I can even hear him talking to me. It may be kind of pathetic, but I cry when I do this.)

(I don't let anyone else see me. They'd think I'd gone off my nut.)

(I don't need Doc Knock giving me any more psychiatric tests than he already does.)

**5. Do NOT make fun of my weight.**

(This one is from me to all of the Decepticons.)

(Consider it a warning from both me _and_ my guardian.)

(Believe me, I _know_ I'm pudgy. I know that everyone else knows it. I know that I'm heavy because I overeat.)

(_Shut up. I know, okay._)

(I'm an emotional eater. Living on a freaking spaceship with giant robots who mostly hate me, I'm surprised I do more than just lie in bed eating pie and cookies all day.)

(Because I _really_ want to do just that sometimes.)

(One of the reasons Knock Out annoys me is thanks to his monthly exams. _Checkups,_ he calls them, but really they're just an excuse for trying to slim me down.)

(Breakdown says I'm perfect the way I am, as does Starscream, but Knock Out always wants to put me on some stupid diet.)

(This last time, I decided to try and be a little cooperative.)

(I stuck to the diet, and if I did get hungry, I consulted Knock Out's list of approved snacks.)

(My trying to exercise was helped along by Soundwave, who motivated me on the treadmill.)

(By tying a Twinkie to a stick and shoving it in the back of my sweatband to see how fast I was willing to go to get my _one_ treat.)

(Also, he played "Eye of the Tiger" for me too. Weight-loss montage and all.)

(The next month rolled around, and I was actually excited to visit Med Bay. Of course, that all ended when Knock Out had me step on the scale.)

(Everyone knew I was doing as I was told, and I was working harder than I'd worked in my life.)

(But somehow, I hadn't lost anything In fact, I had managed to _gain two pounds._)

(Nobody could really think of anything to say to me. I told them all I was okay, maybe it just needed a little more time before my body adjusted to it.)

(So I told Breakdown I was going into my room to watch TV - and do sit-ups during the commercials - and locked myself in.)

(When Starscream came back from a scouting mission, he found me on my bed next to an empty carton of ice cream.)

(It was actually kind of pathetic.)

(Knock Out has bribed Starscream to "human-proof" the kitchen, and Soundwave hasn't let me _see_ a Twinkie since that incident.)

(All the same though, everyone ganged up on Airachnid for me after she called me fat and made me cry.)

(...)

(They may not have the best morals in the world...)

(But for what it's worth, I have a good guardian, a good doctor, and good friends.)

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**I hope you all liked, and if you want more, you know what you have to do...**

**EW! No, not that, you perverts. I MEANT review and offer some suggestions please.**

**AND THANK YOU, OF COURSE.**

**Thankies for reading and putting up with me! ^^**


	2. Learning the Ropes

**Well, I'm back! Fear the updates~**

**Those of you who like Airachnid, you may want to skip Hints #6 and #9... XD**

**KO: *scoff* Oh please. People that like Airachnid are just a myth.**

**Me: ... Have you looked at the TF Dirty Secrets blog recently?**

**KO: Oh no, I prefer to stay off that thing. I'd rather not know about the things that YOU *point* skinjobs want to do to my finish. Especially after what happened last time.**

**Me: *pouts as he walks away* Oh come on! *looks at readers* ONE winter where you lick his paint job and your tongue freezes to it, and you never hear the end of it!**

**Hint #10 is ridiculously long, even for me, but I promise it just may be one of the funniest in this chapter.**

**Hint #6 was something I promised I'd do for freakofnature96. I had SO MUCH FUN writing it. MWAHAHAHAHA. Torturing Airachnid? Best. Time. EVAH.**

**Credit to BlackSummerRoses for Hint #7: Starscream can thank Amity for the fact that Knock Out and Dreadwing are now out for their internal fluids.**

**Credit to Anonymous BW FG for Hint #9: When dealing with Airachnid, my friend wonders how Amity is not dead yet.**

**Keep sending in suggestions, because I can't do this without y'all!**

**Hope you likee!**

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**6. Stop trying to burn Airachnid at the stake.**

(This one came about mainly because...)

(Well, because we all kinda can't stand Airachnid. When it comes right down to it, that's why this rule was invented. Because we all would love for it to happen.)

(Starscream _hates_ her with white-hot fury. Soundwave watches her closer than he watches anybody else - even _me._ Knock Out always has an eye roll prepared when her name is mentioned. _I_ regularly want to break out the Raid on her spidery, techno-organic-y ass, mostly because she called me fat.)

(Even _Breakdown,_ who has the smallest little 'Con-crush on her, admits that he doesn't think it would work out because she's... how do I put it... _a bitch and impossible to live with._)

(Besides, anyone here know how spiders treat their mates? _Shudder,_ man. He's better off staying away from her, we've all agreed.)

(All that being said though, she's still WAY tougher than me.)

(Me being a little itty-bitty bite-sized human, her having multiple legs and shooting web and all.)

(I thought I had developed the perfect plan to rid us of her evil presence forever.)

(I had already fantasized in my mind that if it worked, everyone would stop complaining about me.)

(Megatron would be praising me for taking initiative.)

(Starscream would be insanely proud of his new witch-burning charge.)

(Knock Out would giggle like the mad doctor he is.)

(Soundwave would non-verbally tell me what a good job I'd done.)

(And Breakdown would be thoroughly impressed by the sudden courage and skill.)

(... As you can probably already guess, it didn't go very well.)

(I snuck into her room while I thought she was sleeping, and tried to wrap her up in one of her own webs.)

(I had happily smuggled in a lighter from the last time Starscream and I had gone out. I hadn't told him what the thing was for.)

(I guess being lit on fire is the kind of thing that tends to wake someone up.)

(Needless to say, she called for her Insecticons, and within the minute - freaking MINUTE - _I_ was the one suspended from the ceiling in webbing, with her standing there flicking my lighter open and threatening to burn me alive.)

(Luckily all my screaming must have alerted my guardian, who ran in at the last possible second, grabbed the lighter, and pulled me down.)

(I may not have been able to burn her like the witch/bitch she is, but _ohhhhh,_ was Megatron mad at her for causing my unnecessary shouting that woke pretty much everyone up.)

(I don't know what her punishment was, but I was held in the brig for a few days.)

(At least they left Soundwave and Breakdown bring me meals.)

(Also, I used the time to toothpick-carve a soap doll of Airachnid, courtesy of Starscream sneaking in some Dove.)

(Once I get back to my own room, I plan to tie her up with some yarn and set her aflame in my bathroom sink.)

(My lighter got confiscated, so I think I'll just borrow Knock Out's blowtorch.)

**7. Making Starscream and Knock Out race is just... a bad idea.**

(In my defense, Knock Out was totally asking for it.)

(Bragging about his new upgrades, how he was the fastest thing on wheels and the best thing since bottled energon, blah blah blah.)

(Also, it's my opinion that something's wrong with his audio receptors. I think he doesn't even hear half the things he says.)

(Since I was stuck doing clinic duty, I had to listen to Doc Knock rave on about his awesome new... something or other. Paint job, probably.)

(Breakdown didn't seem bothered by it, but I figured he was just used to it by now.)

(And of course, me being me... I couldn't leave it alone.)

(I mean, _how dare_ he say he was the best when _clearly_ my guardian could kick his pretty little aft in ten nanokliks flat!)

(As much as Starscream is protective of me, I'm fiercely loyal to him.)

(I'm like... the Soundwave to his Megatron. Don't tell him I compared him to Megatron though, he'll blow a gasket.)

(So I proposed a challenge - a race, since clearly Knock Out thought he outrun anybot with his engine valves tied behind his radiator.)

(It, um... wasn't the most well-thought-out idea I've ever had.)

(For one, Starscream was a bit disappointed in me for signing him up for something without checking with him first... especially something like _this._)

(But he agreed to do it, just to rub Knock Out's big fat face in the dirt.)

(It was decided that I couldn't ride with Starscream this time because he'd be going really fast, so I stayed on the ground to be a referee.)

(Dreadwing helped me, only because he had nothing better to do and thought it would be funny to see my guardian do a faceplant.)

(I ignored that last part and just pretended he was there for me.)

(After I banged my little starting gun - uh, hehe, really sorry about that rubber arrow to the face, Dreadwing - I started running like hell to keep up with Starscream and cheer him on.)

(Unfortunately, it's... _ideal..._ for the two competitors in a race to be, you know... on the same playing field.)

(But since Starscream and Knock Out are both stubborn glitches, neither of them would temporarily change their alt mode, so I was trying to judge who was faster - Doc Knock on the ground or my guardian in the air.)

(I got dizzy and threw up a little. Give me credit though, I kept running.)

(By the time I reached the finish line with Starscream and he transformed so I could congratulate him, well...)

(Knock Out was leaning against a tree, doing something that I can only describe as "checking his nails.")

(Dreadwing, still barely able to speak thanks to my arrow, finally caught up with us.)

(Starscream just managed to get me away before Dreadwing's bomb exploded _right where I had been standing._)

(Luckily though, I'd been standing rather close to Knock Out, and... HA! There went his precious, perfect, unmarred finish.)

(He chased Starscream and I for a full two minutes before my glitchhead of a guardian remembered that he could fly.)

(Next time, I'm sneaking into Starscream's "science" room and building myself a gun that shoots _real_ arrows.)

(Yeah, I'm lookin' at _you,_ Dreadwing.)

**8. You've all heard Starscream warn you, "Don't bother Amity while she's eating." Guess what? ****_He means it._**

(If there's one thing you don't do to a fat girl, it's mess with her food.)

(Evidently, the Decepticons have trouble grasping this concept, because all of them think it's funny to either distract me and take food off my plate, or promise me food when there is none.)

(And Soundwave gets a kick out of clipping **"The cake is a lie!"** when I find out there's no food.)

(Or maybe they're all just dicks, I dunno.)

(Either way, they need to stop being so mean to me.)

(I'm like a dog - I don't like people bugging me when I'm trying to eat.)

(Starscream's such a suck-up, he makes my food and then won't quit being all "I'm _waaaaay_ better than Megatron, right?")

(Last time, I finally walked right out of the room and went to go eat with Soundwave.)

(Knock Out likes to sneak up behind me while I'm eating and then yell out random nutrition facts about how unhealthy whatever I'm eating is.)

(I would be _so_ close to throwing some fried chicken at him, if I didn't want to eat it.)

(Breakdown mostly leaves me alone, but he's concerned about my health too, so every once in a while if I'm not looking, he'll replace my can of Coke with a glass of water.)

(Next time, I'm taking the water, finding him, and splashing him with it.)

(Soundwave makes it a point, if I'm eating in his general vicinity, to pull my hair with his tentacles - why, I have no idea - and once the claws actually penetrated into my scalp.)

(One impromptu visit to Knock Out and 30 minutes of crying later, I vowed that I would never eat around him again - and made a note to myself: "Watch out for Soundwave.")

(Megatron's a whole other deck of cards - he finds it absolutely hilarious to just _blast_ whatever I'm eating with his arm cannon.)

(When that happens, I wait till he leaves, then start crying and see how long it takes Starscream to find me.)

(Come on, Decepticons. Can't you let me eat in peace?)

(The one thing that makes me unique on this ship, and you all have to go and frag it up for me.)

(If they don't stop soon, I'm sneaking chocolate syrup into the energon supply.)

**9. Airachnid is not "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." In fact, she's anything but.**

(I should probably learn when to stop screwing with Airachnid - like, after the first time I screwed with her and it ended badly.)

(I was _mad_ when Megatron dumped me off on her for scouting duty.)

(She kept trying to step on me with her extra legs, and in between dodging, I could barely keep up with her.)

(After a little while we cooled off at each other, and I stammered my way through an apology for the "sorry I tried to set you on fire" thing.)

(I wonder if Hallmark makes greeting cards for that kind of thing.)

(A few minutes later I got bored, as I usually do on scouting duty.)

(I started singing nursery rhymes. Airachnid was probably doing her best to ignore me, but every once in a while she'd try to stomp on me again.)

(I decided to try and be nice for once. In all honesty, I thought she would be flattered by my song choice.)

"_The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout... out came the rain and washed the spider out... out came the sun and dried up all the rain... and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again..._"

(I even did the finger motions that went with it.)

(Airachnid... didn't think it was cute.)

(She slingshot-webbed me to a tree and left me there.)

(It was _midnight_ when Starscream finally found me.)

(I admit that what I did probably wasn't the best thinking on my part...)

(But did she _really_ have to give me a web-gag?)

(It tasted like glue and string cheese.)

(_Expired_ string cheese.)

(I've brushed my teeth ten times a day for the past week and I still can't get the taste out of my mouth.)

(I'm so desperate I might even consider going to Knock Out.)

**10. Megatron never thinks it's as funny as you do.**

(I don't know why, but apparently Megatron isn't one of those guys that likes to laugh.)

(Well, yeah, maybe at Starscream's pain or something, but not at normal stuff other people laugh at.)

(In fact, 90% of the _Decepticons_ don't like to laugh.)

(I think the remaining 10% are my guardian and Knock Out.)

(My guardian likes to laugh, especially at me or stuff I do - and idiotic people - and Knock Out... well, he doesn't always _laugh,_ but he's a funny person in general.)

(Have you heard the pop culture references he makes? "_Herr kommandant,_" "Doctor in the house," and once I even caught him calling Breakdown "Dr. Foreman" and referring to me as "Thirteen".)

(Personally, I think Breakdown is more of a Chase and I'm a Cameron, but to each his own.)

(Besides, Breakdown being Chase and me being Cameron would mean we'd be romantically inclined to each other and... while I respect and like Breakdown, I swear to God and Primus he's just a friend.)

(And Knock Out is... _definitely_ not House.)

(Anyway, this actually does involve Knock Out, and I'm not just talking about him just because I can.)

(The prank in question that was supposed to make everyone laugh... well, I guess I was kind of cruel.)

(I took advantage of Knock Out's sleeping on the job and made a few... improvements... to his finish.)

(Namely, I painted him pink.)

(The whole fiasco ended with Knock Out waking up in the middle of my painting, right while I was trying to paint over his nasal ridge.)

(My personal theory is that he woke up because he's ticklish there, but at the moment that didn't matter.)

(I _screamed bloody murder_ when he broke out his buzzsaw and started chasing me.)

(I tried to hide in Breakdown's chest - _come on, he could smuggle Cubans in there_ - but he was too busy and thought I deserved it.)

(I finally ran to Starscream, wailing that Knock Out was coming after me because I'd been a bad girl but he should protect me because he was my guardian and Knock Out was going to do surgery on me.)

(Unfortunately, he had been in the middle of an unscheduled meeting with Megatron.)

(Knock Out came running in, painted halfway pink, and started yelling, trying to get at me through Starscream.)

(My guardian was trying to play Keep Away with me, while everyone else except our dark lord burst out laughing.)

(And I mean _everyone._ Dreadwing, who barely ever so much as cracks a smile? Busting up.)

(Soundwave even played a clip of me laughing.)

(Pink Knock Out is _that_ funny.)

(Unluckily for me, Megatron barked at Knock Out to haul ass out of the room, which he did, and the warlord grabbed me right out of Starscream's claws.)

(He wanted an explanation, but my only explanation was, "Uhhhh... it was funny?")

(He didn't think so.)

(He spent an entire hour coming up with a new punishment for me.)

(Turns out that hour was well-spent.)

(I was suspended from the ceiling by my ankles for twelve hours while Knock Out randomly shocked me with that stupid energon prod of his.)

(Starscream tried to feed me, at least, but apparently my body takes offense at the notion that eating upside-down defies gravity.)

(I got my revenge, though.)

(I held some food in my mouth and waited till Doc Knock came by to prod me again.)

"Knock Oooooouuuuut... _gag..._ I don't feel so..."

(And that was when I pretended to throw up on him, spitting the food all over his newly cleaned finish.)

(_You should have seen his face._)

(Thanks to Soundwave, that face he made is now my phone's wallpaper.)

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**Hahahahahahaha. Proof that Soundwave DOES like Amity. They make a rather good team, if I say so myself.**

**As for Hint #7, Amity sure has a whole hell of a lotta faith in her guardian, doesn't she? XD She loves him to pieces, and if there was such a concept as "love" in the Decepticon mind, well, that's what Screamer feels toward her. STARSCREAM AS AMITY'S GUARDIAN IS JUST SO ADORABLE~**

**I would love to make Soundwave and Airachnid be a guardian to a human, lol. Soundwave would be so f'ing overprotective it wouldn't even be funny, and Airachnid... well, whoever ended up with her would have a very shitty guardian, no?**

**Suggestions ahoy~**

**Also, I love hearing what your guys' favorite parts were! That just tickles meh. If you have a favorite part, I'd be happy if you pointed it out in your review!**

**Happy Autobot hunting, my fellow human 'Cons, and thanks for reading!**


	3. Just Because You're Bored

**Meh. I was bored? XD Which coincidentally, is what this chapter deals with! 8D**

**It's been a while, non? I should update my other rule books... but I got inspired. So yeah.**

**Credit to Guest for Hint #12: Soundwave and Amity make the ultimate trolling team.**

**Credit to Klicks for Hint #13: Amity's career as a relationship therapist... probably isn't going to take off.**

**Hint #15 was inspired by a comic by Rosey Raven on deviantArt. I think it was called "Warp's Not Alone" or something like that. Involved TFA Starscream, Skywarp, and Thundercracker being a dick. XD Look it up, it's hilarious!**

**Thanks to jazz5454, the next two chapters are going to be all about what not to do around/with Doc Knock. My friend and I came up with all the rules for that, so if you want to send in some rules for the following chapters, feel free! I NEED MOAR SUGGESTIONS.**

**Enjoy, peoples!**

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**11. "Hammer Time" is funny... once.**

(When you settle into a routine on the _Nemesis,_ your life tends to get very un-exciting.)

(My routine? Monday: engine room duty with Makeshift. I don't mind that so much.)

(Tuesday: clinic duty with Knock Out and Breakdown. If it wasn't for Breakdown monitoring my use of medical tools, I would have ended up drilling a hole in my head by now.)

(Wednesday: Scouting duty with Starscream and possibly the Vehicons. I like to pick up rocks and play "Vehicon bowling" till Starscream makes me stop or Steve starts crying.)

(Thursday: communications room duty with Soundwave. I decided early on to play my music as loud as possible just to fill the silence.)

(And _ohhh,_ Fridays are fun. _I get to go with Dreadwing and clean the outside of the ship! __**Golly,**__ maybe next time he'll let ME use the rag!_)

(And in case you couldn't tell, that last one was sarcasm. I hate cleaning duty with the burning passion of a thousand suns and would be just fine if cleaning duty somehow got sent to hell. Maybe I'd get a non-weekend day off for once.)

(But that's not possible, so I'm stuck in this dumb routine.)

(All I wanted to do was spice it up a little. So I started playing "Hammer Time" on my iPod whenever Breakdown walked into the room.)

(At first, he thought it was really funny. Once, he even did the dance with me.)

(Everyone started getting tired of it around the fifteenth time I did it.)

(I was up to a hundred and six times, and I wanted to keep my record going, damn it!)

(But, um... Breakdown took the song a little too literally last time.)

(He broke out his hammer and smashed my iPod so I couldn't do it anymore.)

(As I usually do, I cried until Starscream took me to get a new one.)

(I'm smarter than to play "Hammer Time" on it though.)

(At least... not for a while.)

**12. Soundwave doesn't have to stop helping me troll the Autobots. He's just gotta be a little more... subtle.**

(You would think a faction of robots whose title is one letter away from _deception_ would be a tiny bit, y'know, sneakier.)

(Soundwave is usually really sneaky and creepy, but the way he reacted to helping me troll the Autobots raises the question of exactly how much he gets out.)

(And however often you think he gets out, that number is still too high.)

(Even if you only think he gets out maybe an hour a week, _that's still too much._)

(Anyway, like I said before, things tend to get boring once you settle into a routine aboard the ship.)

(I get weekends off, as do most of the others, but what do you _do_ with a weekend when all your friends are giant robots bent on the destruction of the human race?)

(You can't just go to the megaplex and catch a flick, that's for sure.)

(Besides, when your guardian is busy plotting to overthrow his boss, he... doesn't always have time for you.)

(And Soundwave is to me what the others call a "secondary guardian.")

(Which basically means he's responsible for me whenever Starscream is busy and nobody else wants to take me.)

(By the way, _thanks for not taking me, Knock Out and Breakdown. I feel the love._)

(Because Soundwave is my "back-up buddy" - which is what _I_ call it - he can always tell when I'm sad or bored or lonely, like Starscream can.)

(And his ideas for cheering me up are _way_ more fun.)

(Not that Starscream's aren't fun, it's just...)

(_Soundwave's such a troll._)

(The last time I was bored and upset because one of the Autobots' stupid humans had trolled me online.)

(Some dumb chatroom where the kid figured out who I was by my screenname and started telling me how I should know the Decepticons are evil, why am I with them, they're never going to win as long as the Autobots are around, I'm stupid for joining them.)

(Yadda yadda yadda, another day in paradise.)

(... In hindsight, my screenname probably shouldn't have been _Screaming_Star's_kiddie._)

(But anyway, Soundwave could tell that I was mad.)

(So what does he do?)

(Takes me trolling the Autobots' base, that's what!)

(Also, apparently he's a fan of fireworks. Either that or he forced Dreadwing to hand over some of his explosives.)

(Either way, bravo.)

(A bunch of cracks and pops along with the phrase _"Decepticons Rule, Autobots Drool"_ lighting up the night sky?)

(_God, I love you, Soundwave!_)

(I took a video of it with my phone.)

(Let's see how that kid likes it when I return to the chatroom, smug and triumphant with my hilarious film reel.)

(Except...)

(I think Megatron was not on the ship when this happened.)

(And those fireworks _were bright._)

(Because I was with Soundwave, I think I'll only get a slap on the wrist. But still, I don't want to get in any more trouble.)

(Next time, we'll just hack their email and make "The Doom Song" play over and over.)

(And that song just repeats one word.)

**13. Stop trying to pair up the 'Cons. Not all of them are gay, and none of them like Airachnid.**

(Knock Out doesn't like me in Med Bay because he doesn't like it when I call him "queer.")

(I just like the sound of the word, and who says I'm using it to mean "gay"? It means "weird," too, and let's face it, Doc Knock is _weird_ as they come.)

(But Knock Out prefers the term... "heterosexually challenged.")

(Nah, just kidding. He doesn't care who he 'faces as long as he's gettin' some.)

(Soooo... I guess that's "pansexual"? Meh, whatever. I don't care much for official terms - he's a manic whore _regardless_ of his orientation, and that's all anyone needs to know. Just how he is.)

(Anyway, full steam ahead.)

(I get very antsy in Med Bay, because for one Doc won't let me lay a hand on any of the patients.)

(Doesn't trust me or some scrap, I dunno...)

(For two, he doesn't even like me near him to help him with anything because he's afraid I'll scratch up his finish.)

(Because I'm _soooooo clumsy._)

(Not denying that I am, it just gets annoying when people think that's my defining trait...)

(Since I was bored as all get-out and didn't have anything to do, I asked Breakdown for paper and crayons.)

(... He always comes through for me.)

(I even found an empty crate and some tape.)

(And I set up my little operation by the door, where I knew Knock Out wouldn't be paying attention to me.)

(I wrote it on my paper in bright pink crayon:)

"The Love Doctor. Romantic advice, 5¢."

(It took me by surprise when I actually got a customer - my guardian, who was coming in to get some scratches fixed.)

(He says he _really_ wants a love life, because seriously, how long has it been since he's had someone to warm his berth?)

(A pretty long time, apparently.)

(But the only femme on the ship is Airachnid, and when I suggested her, he made this face that looked like he was going to puke.)

(I thought for a minute, then I got an idea.)

"Why not ask Dreadwing out? You two have a lot of tension between you. Maybe if you work it out, there's something there. He probably does it 'cause likes you, y'know. That's what boys _do._"

(Starscream _laughed in my face_ and didn't even pay me.)

(A few other bots came to me, and I feel that I helped Breakdown with his and Knock Out's issues.)

(I was too scared to even say anything but "Um" when Airachnid came to my booth. I was afraid of getting stomped on if I gave bad advice. Luckily, she left pretty quick because she was eager to get her leg reattached.)

(I don't know how it got lopped off - though I'm thinking Megatron had finally had enough of her - and I don't _want_ to know.)

(Eventually Knock Out came and shut me down. _Misuse of Med Bay space,_ my ass, he just hated that I told Breakdown they needed better communication.)

(Also, I don't think he was too fond of my saying, "And snuggling. There needs to be more snuggling.")

(However, I was with Steve at the time that he shut me down, and I don't think I've ever been more grateful to Knock Out.)

(Steve was in the middle of talking about "this girl I like.")

(You may not think that's so bad, and maybe you even think it's kind of cute. But the scary thing is...)

(_I think he was talking about me._)

**14. There are several phrases that are not valid excuses for ****_anything._**** (No matter how funny it was.)**

(I don't know if you've noticed, but I seem to get into trouble aboard the _Nemesis._)

(... A lot.)

(Typically, the bot dealing with me isn't Megatron because I've been stopped before my shenanigans have reached him.)

(Other times, I'm not so lucky.)

(I always have to think fast to make up an excuse and save my skin, and some of them work.)

(I have, however, figured out which ones just get Megatron even madder.)

"I wanted to see what would happen."

(I gave him _that_ piece of bullshit after the time I stole Knock Out's mini-buffer.)

(That really was the reason, I swear! I wanted to see what would happen if I deprived Doc Knock of his precious buffer and he couldn't fix himself up at the drop of a hat.)

(The results of my little experiment were amusing. He got super strung-out and jittery, kind of like an addict going through withdrawal.)

(And he twitched a lot. And yelled at everybody.)

(Finally nobody could take the crying anymore - yes, ladies, he's _that_ sensitive, snatch him up now - and Soundwave ratted me out.)

(When I gave that excuse, Megatron didn't even want to hear what else I had to say in my defense. He just threw me in the brig.)

(Where I think I accidentally ate a cockroach. Apparently bugs like to crawl in your mouth when you're asleep and can't swat them.)

(I blame Airachnid for that - how many other bots around here have a fondness for creepy crawlies?)

"But he deserved it!"

(That was when I somehow managed to sneak into Dreadwing's room and set up a bunch of his bombs like booby traps.)

(And as I hear, booby traps aren't any good unless they actually catch boobies. And Dreadwing, well, he's just a big old boob waiting to be caught.)

(Besides, he DID deserve it!)

(Teach him to sneak into my secret Twinkie stash and rig them to explode. Although I think it was payback for whatever Starscream did to him the last time they were together, because my guardian had to clean up the Twinkie mess.)

(But anyway, _he deserved it._)

(Unfortunately, Megatron didn't think so. He tossed me to the wolves - well, in this case Dreadwing. _Who locked me in my room, didn't let me eat anything all day, and forced me to sleep upside-down like a fruit bat._)

(Still trying to shake the feeling of blood rushing to my head, by the way.)

"I did it out of love!"

(This is probably the worst possible thing you can say to help your case.)

(I... don't remember much of this one.)

(All I remember is that it had something to do with me, a paintbrush, Starscream in recharge, some yellow smiley faces, and after that a brief chase scene with vague '80s music.)

(I think it was "8 Days a Week" by the Beatles, but I can't be sure.)

(I don't even remember what Megatron did to me when all I had to say was the aforementioned excuse. I'm thinking my mind blocked it out because it was too traumatic.)

(And if it was _that_ bad, I'm sure I'm way better off _not_ remembering it.)

**15. Stop jump-scaring your guardian. It's not nice.**

(It _is_ funny though.)

(But seriously, Starscream is a, uh, fairly okay guy as far as Decepticons go.)

(I mean, he does a good amount of backstabbing, he tells little white lies, he bitch-slaps the Vehicons, he's always trying to overthrow Megatron, and he's bossy.)

(So yeah, like I said - as far as the Decepticons go, he's a pretty upstanding citizen.)

(But even he slips up sometimes, makes mistakes. Like, oh, for instance... messing with _me._)

(One day, when there was an important meeting with Megatron, he realized that I have a history of making things go horribly wrong for him during meetings.)

(Refer to Hint #10.)

(So during the meeting, he locked me in my room. I couldn't even play Guess That Code with the lock, because the message he left threatened to vaporize me if I even poked the code pad.)

(It backfired on him, however. While I was locked in that room, I was able to concoct my plan... _for revenge. Muahahahahahaha._)

(The fact that I'm starting to sound a little like my guardian is scaring me a little, but meh.)

(It's his fault in the first place.)

(So, one day, I noticed he was quite happily enjoying lunch in the cafeteria. I just so happened to have my mask with me - molded in Lord Megatron's glorious image.)

(I walked in acting casual, asked how things were doing, and excused myself to go get something to eat. He rolled his eyes at that.)

(_It was on right then._)

(A few seconds later, I slipped my mask on, and proceed to leap out at him.)

"**_STARSCREAM!_**"

(He squealed like a girl, probably jumped about a mile in the air, and landed with one of his wings bent at an angle.)

(When he looked up, he saw me tilting my mask up and laughing triumphantly.)

"Hi Starscream!"

(I then made a troll face.)

"Lol, umad?"

(He said I'd almost given him a fragging spark attack, and made me apologize. I then did it again a bunch of times over the course of a week.)

(You'd think he would have started expecting it, but no, he squealed like a lady every time.)

(But... the last time he finally snapped. I think I actually saw fire in his optics, and he tore after me like Unicron was on his ass.)

(Thank God that the Vehicons' room is the last place he'd ever look for me, right?)

(...)

"Steve, get your servo off me!"

"Umm... I'm all the way over here, Snugglebuns."

"... Then whose servo..."

"_Found you, Amity~_"

"OH SCRAP, STARSCREAM-!"

* * *

**Hope you liked! Next couple of chapters we're going to torture Knock Out, so get ready to laugh your buns off.**

**Don't forget to send suggestions, I love those! I may love them even more than Amity loves ice cream.**

**KO: *snrk***

**Me: You got somethin' to say, Doctor Doom?**

**KO: ... Nope. *walks off whistling***

**Don't worry, he'll get his next two chapters.**

**See ya soon, thanks for reading! ^^**


	4. Clinic Duty Part 1

**HURRRRR. My chapter spam. FEAR IT.**

**For some reason I don't have inspiration for a lot of other stories, so I'm all "Meh. I'll write more hints." Because they are FUN.**

**Here's our first chapter of all the things not to do with Doc Knock. I apologize as parts of a couple hints are a bit... dark/emotional. XD But you will like that as well, yes? YES~**

**Alright! We'll have one more chap of this, then a couple more general rules, then... I have another theme chapter planned which I will need you guys to contribute to! But I'm not telling yet~**

**Feel free to send in more general suggestions or such, though it won't be till after next chappie till I get to any of them. Okies? 8D**

**Hope you enjoy this one!**

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**16. The first thing you need to know: NEVER customize Knock Out's finish without permission.**

(I... learned this the hard way, as I seem to learn everything else.)

(Knock Out's steps for obtaining permission are as follows:)

"1) Obtain written permission from _moi._

2) Type it word for word onto a datapad.

3) Check it with _moi._

4) Double check it with Breaky.

5) Print it.

6) Shred it.

7) Decompose it.

8) Put it in Breaky's rock garden. It needs fertilized."

(Like hell I was going through all that trouble just so Breakdown didn't have to take care of his own rock garden!)

(What does a rock garden need fertilization for, anyway? _They're rocks. They don't have babies._)

(I want to destroy that rock garden. It's like the equivalent of a gay couple getting a dog to fill the child void, _but with Knock Out and Breakdown it's just annoying._)

(One day, I walked into the Med Bay during Breakdown's break. Knock Out was sleeping. In Med Bay. In car form. With no witnesses.)

(He really should know better.)

(I happily went to town, painting Knock Out this obnoxiously neon shade of blue. I also attached cardboard wings to him with tape.)

(Breakdown came back from his break just as I was taping them on. He almost spit out his energon when he saw what I was doing.)

(Luckily, I was able to snap a few pictures before he woke Doc Knock up.)

(Needless to say he was... not happy.)

(He threatened several times over to do surgery on me and remove all my unnecessary organs. You know... gallbladder, appendix, spleen, one kidney.)

(Thank goodness I have a guardian who wouldn't let Knock Out lay a claw on me unless it was a medical emergency.)

(He pretty much hid me until Doc Knock was over the whole fiasco.)

(Also, they made me delete the picture.)

(... But not before I posted it on my blog.)

(So far it's the post with the most hits! I call the picture... _Shattered Glass: Seeker Knock Out._)

(Someone even wants me to make an action figure!)

(I can't blame them - blue Doc Knock sleeping is actually kind of adorable.)

(If he ever found out, I don't know if he'd be mad at me for posting it... or flattered that people love him.)

(Probably a little of both.)

**17. "Yo' mama" jokes are only funny if they're not about Knock Out's mama.**

(How was I supposed to know his femme creator was the 'Con version of Florence Nightingale?)

(If I knew that, I never would have made jokes about her.)

(In my defense - I seem to say that a lot - it seemed like Doc Knock was having a bad day. I was just trying to cheer him up a little.)

(When Knock Out's sad or upset, believe me, _nobody wins._)

(Clinic duty is no fun if Knock Out's depressed; Breakdown had no idea what was wrong, and Doc wouldn't tell us.)

(So I told Breakdown my idea, and he decided to go along with it.)

"Hey Knock Out! Yo' mama _sooooo_ fat, when she steps on the scale, it says 'To Be Continued'!"

(That was my contribution. And no, before you ask, _it's not a way to deal with my own weight. I just think that joke is hilarious._)

(Breakdown's 2 cents?)

"Doc, your femme creator's so old, during her final exam, she cheated off Alpha Trion! _Hahahaha!_"

(Why exactly that was funny, I'll never know. Breakdown is one of those guys who isn't very good at pattern jokes.)

(Or maybe it's just because I have no idea who Alpha Trion is.)

(Knock Out didn't seem to be laughing at all, so I tried again.)

"Hey! Yo' mama _soooooo_ stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch! Yo' mama so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!"

"Yo' mama _soooooooooo_ UGLY-"

(And apparently that was there he drew the line.)

(He turned around, starting throwing wrenches at us, and threatened to take a blowtorch to Breakdown's good optic.)

(He even chased us around the ship. Breakdown had to pick me up and hold me while he ran so I wouldn't get trampled over.)

(And Knock Out was furiously yelling how his mother had revolutionized the Decepticon medical field, and how dare we dishonor her memory, especially on her creation day.)

(How were we supposed to know she was dead?! We wouldn't have said anything if we knew that was why he was upset!)

(... Come on, Knock Out.)

(_How many times do we have to say we're sorry?!_)

**18. Street racing with Knock Out... should probably not happen ever again.**

(For one thing, it's insanely dangerous. The fast speeds, it's usually at night, and people are _cheaters, cheaters, pumpkin eaters._)

(For another... Starscream is an unbelievably jealous person. If he even _thinks_ you're trying to steal me from him, he'll be on you like soy sauce on a wonton.)

(And yes, all my similes involve food, so get used to it. I got a million of these.)

(Anyway. Slow days in Med Bay are the worst, because I'm not allowed to throw paper footballs anymore. Just because one hit Breakdown on his optic patch. It was an accident,

Breakdown, sheesh, ya ever heard of 'em?)

(After a little while of me happily sitting beside Breakdown, organizing the papers he'd given me to keep me busy and make me feel helpful, Knock Out shut down his computer and announced that he was heading out to do some street racing.)

(... You know what's coming, don't you?)

(Come on, I _had_ to ask to go with him! My nature wouldn't just let me sit by while he had all these awesome street racing adventures.)

(I mean, I love Starscream and all. But if Knock Out took me racing... it would be like that movie _Herbie,_ but the car would be able to talk.)

(Not to mention, if the movie had been _Knock Out_ instead of _Herbie,_ we'd have a whole lot more girls with car fetishes out there. Just sayin'.)

(He reluctantly let me come, only if I promised not to take any human food inside. Or touch his gearshift. Or his steering wheel. Or the gas and brake pedals. Or...)

(Well, let's just say the only thing I was allowed to touch was the seat. I'm not kidding, he buckled me in himself because he didn't even want me touching the seatbelt.)

(Long story short, some obnoxious asshole ran us off the road.)

(And while I wasn't hurt, Knock Out was whining over the radio about how his finish was ruined now - which normally I wouldn't care about. But he was also on the verge of tears.)

(The small strips he can paint over, but getting run off the road gave him quite a few deep scratches. He was upset about his paint, but he was also upset because... I mean, _imagine._ It hurt him pretty bad.)

(Luckily, there was an buzzsaw on the backseat. I grabbed it, got out, and proceeded to chase the dickhead driver of the other car around until he beat it.)

(I even managed to put a few nice dents in the hood of his ugly little powder-blue Prius before he wet himself and drove off.)

(My guardian may be Starscream. I may be as loyal to him as the sky is blue. And I'd never want any other bot as a guardian. But he's not the only one I'm loyal to.)

(When I heard Knock Out practically breaking down crying in pain, I downshifted into my Decepticon mentality, and my first instinct was to fight.)

(Nobody, _and I mean __**NOBODY,**_ hurts my friends and gets away with it.)

(As bad as Knock Out can be sometimes, I know he's got my back, just like everyone else.)

(You hurt him, or any of my other friends, _and I will tear you a fucking new one._)

(He was actually grateful, and took me back before anything else happened.)

(Unfortunately, Starscream found out. And got jealous. And tried to take me racing.)

(Remember Hint #7?)

(...)

(Let's just say, Dreadwing finally got to see Starscream do a faceplant.)

**19. If you want to get rid of Knock Out for a little while... here's how you do it.**

(Keep in mind, though, you can pretty much only do this once.)

(Because once you do, he'll be on to your little game. And if you ever try it again, you'll get a giant metal foot aimed at your face. Which is breakable.)

(Clinic duty is amusing enough, but Steve coming into the clinic to get patched up is... a little awkward.)

(But ever since Hint #13, I've been starting to see Steve as... well, kind of cute, I guess, if a bit odd. A potential boyfriend.)

(I mean, come on. No one else has shown any fragging interest in me since I came aboard the ship - other than the ship itself in my own mind.)

(If I chase him away, who'll date me? Nobody else who's met me, that's for sure.)

(So I wanted to maybe talk to him a while, but since he's always busy, the only time I saw him besides weekends was when he came to Med Bay. This time it was for a bunch of scratches - poor guy must have mouthed off to Starscream again.)

(I _had_ to think up a plan to distract Knock Out so that Steve and I could be alone.)

(Breakdown was sick with a cyber-cold and was practically quarantined in his room, so if I could get rid of Doc Knock for a little while, there wouldn't be any interruptions.)

(So I stared at Knock Out's backside as he was patching Steve up, and suddenly thought of something.)

"Hey, Doc? Doc. You got a chip in your paint."

(He immediately stopped, and turned around to look.)

"Where? Where?"

(I pointed to a random spot.)

"Right there! You can't see it, but I can. Come on, it's _right there._ You better go fix that before it gets any worse."

(So of course he rushed out of the room, leaving Steve and I alone.)

(I happily picked up where Doc Knock had left off, fixing the Vehicon's scratches. And started talking to him.)

(I expected Knock Out to come back after a while, once he realized his finish was fine.)

(But an hour later, I was finished fixing Steve and we were sitting there awkwardly, having run out of questions for each other.)

(Another two hours of sitting there in awkward silence, and I suggested maybe we should go make Breakdown some soup.)

(So we did. And took it to him. And fed him. And he kind of threw up. And we cleaned it up. And took care of him for a while. TLC and all that.)

(By bedtime, neither of us had seen hide nor hair of Doc Knock.)

(In fact, we didn't see him for another two days. We were nervous and had decided to take care of Breakdown the entire time, waiting for Knock Out to come busting through the door any minute and yell at me.)

(At the end of the second day, we fell asleep in Breakdown's room.)

(We woke up taped to the ceiling, next to each other, while Knock Out was happily shooting a confetti cannon at us. Also, we'd been covered in glue. So you can guess how it turned out.)

(Believe it or not, that wasn't even the worst of it.)

(Apparently, by this time, we'd been taking such good care of Breakdown that Steve had managed to catch his cold.)

(So for an entire day, I was stuck on the ceiling, being tormented by an insane medic, next to a Vehicon who was sneezing glitter.)

(...)

(Somehow, that wasn't the weirdest day of my life.)

**20. The stuff in Knock Out's storage room? Just ignore it. JUST IGNORE IT AND HOPE IT'LL GO AWAY.**

(You think you know how weird Knock Out is?)

(_Pssh._)

(Let me tell you right now, no matter how weird you think he is, no matter what kind of stories you've got...)

(_I can top it._)

(Just getting that right out of the way.)

(Since Knock Out flat-out refuses to take me racing anymore after the little Hint #18 debacle - something about thinking I'm bad luck - he now goes by himself again, leaving Breakdown to watch over Med Bay.)

(And, during Tuesdays, Breakdown to watch over me as well. Babysitter Breakers for the win!)

(Usually I don't give him too much trouble. He's an okay guy - probably about as close to morally sound as a Decepticon can get.)

(Unlike Knock Out, he actually lets me help him with things, but he was on top of things for the day. So he told me that I could "take a nap or... go to the bathroom or... eat. Or whatever... you know... you do.")

(Sigh. Breakdown. You're a great babysitter and all, but really, you can be boring sometimes.)

(So, without anything better to do, I started doing a bit of exploring.)

(I hadn't been around Med Bay except for the main area that much, so I wanted to see what the rest of the place was like.)

(One door, as I discovered, led to Knock Out's quarters. How did I know? Well, for one thing, it was all painted red. Plus, it smelled like a Valentine card farted in there.)

(I... legged it out of there pretty fast. All I did was poke my head in for maybe thirty seconds.)

(I think the fumes got to me.)

(The back part of the room looked like it was straight out of _Dr. G.: Medical Examiner._ Sinks and stuff, probably where they washed body parts in? Shudder.)

(I didn't stay too long there either. I felt if I lingered too long, vengeful spirits would rise out of the drain and possess what little brain I had left.)

(And they would _not_ be happy about being stuck in a little human girl.)

(Then came the storage room - which Breakdown says should be renamed the storage _closet._)

(I... will never forget what I saw in there. Mostly because it was the most horrifying thing I've ever laid squishy eyes on.)

(There were boxes of medical supplies at first - face shields, servo protectors, tissues, patches, aprons, extra welders and buffers and soldering irons and wrenches and... such. All seems pretty normal for a robot medic's storage room, right? _Nothing hush-hush in here,_ I thought.)

(Boy-y-y-y-y-y, did I think wrong.)

(The further back I got, I started to see some... disturbing things in the boxes.)

(For one thing, I saw different tips for his energon prod. They were different sizes, marked by voltage.)

(_One of them was 2000 volts. What the hell._)

(Also, there was a box with my name on it. Out of blatant curiosity, I took a peek inside.)

(Inside was a cute little teddy bear, which said it was for the next time he had to give me surgery. That was a little weird, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because maybe he was just trying to be nice.)

(But also inside that box, there was a thing that looked like a collar. With settings and a remote. Apparently a shock collar for if I ever acted up beyond what I'd been doing.)

(That... terrified me.)

(The thing that clinched my decision to leave was the back shelf, where there was some poor bot's detached optic floating in a jar of energon.)

(I stared at it for a minute.)

(Then it blinked at me.)

(I ran out, screaming and crying to Breakdown.)

(Damn, if he'd known I was venturing into the storage room, he said he would have stopped me. Once he got me to stop crying, he told me neither of us could mention this to Knock Out.)

(I crossed my heart and promised not to say a word to him. However, I did tell Starscream and swore him to secrecy as well.)

(Unfortunately, the nightmares still haven't stopped... and Starscream's getting annoyed.)

(I think he's even contemplating taking me to Doc Knock and having him cut into my brain, just to make it all stop.)

(After what I saw in the storage room... _Starscream, you should know that's the last thing that would help!_)

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**XD MY HINTS ARE SO OBNOXIOUSLY LONG. I'M SORRY.**

**Don't forget to send suggestions for general rules for now, if you have any, and GOOD NIGHT DENVER~**

**Thankies for reading! ^^**


	5. Clinic Duty Part 2

**Check out my return! It's been a few days, eh? X'D**

**Get ready for more clinic duty with Amity! And on the subject of Knock Out, you should check out my new story "Cross Over" if you like him. It mostly deals with him leaving the Decepticons and... well, no spoilers. If you read it, you'll see! I promise you'll like it~**

**I now have a cover for this story! I made it. I'm very proud of it, and it's colored. Not inked though. Hopefully I'll get to scan it tonight and add it as an image. I think you guys shall like it! It's funny.**

**Anyway! Hope you guys like!**

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**21. Knock Out and Breakdown are ****_a couple_****. They are not ****_"buff buddies."_**

(Obviously, it's not as funny as you think it is.)

(And I thought I finally had a good nickname for them!)

(I mean, I already had to go through several nicknames that they didn't like.)

(Before, during, and a few days after Valentine's Day, I made up theme names. Knock Out was _Roses,_ and Breakdown was, predictably, _Violets._)

(Of course, they hated those. So I came up with _Sweet Rims_ for Knock Out, and _Shakedown_ for Breakdown.)

(Because... well, yeah, they're self-explanatory, really.)

(But anyway, I had to think up some new nicknames. It was difficult, because much as you think it would be easy, it's surprisingly... not. I mean, picking one or two words that describe them?)

(_That's not enough._)

(Then I realized, between Doc Knock's "knock knock, guess who~" and Breakdown's "Yeah, _ha,_ he had a breakdown!", they actually really love puns.)

(So I replaced one word, and decided to refer to them as "buff buddies." You probably know what the original term is.)

(They can be annoying sometimes with their... affection... but of course we wouldn't want them any other way, no? They're cute. I swear that's all I meant by the new nickname.)

(They didn't take it that way. They thought I was insulting them.)

(Can you _believe?!_ Me, _insulting!_)

(... I didn't know it would make them mad. I thought they'd think I was being adorable, and, like... give me a lollipop for being such a good girl or something.)

(All this time with the Decepticons, and evidently I haven't learned a thing.)

(When Knock Out heard me say it, he ran to his room, wailing, "_Is that all you think I'm good for?!_")

(You know that old arcade game, Whac-a-Mole?)

(That's what Breakdown decided to play with me as punishment for making Knock Out cry.)

(Only he used his foot, and I apparently was slower than he expected.)

(I did apologize, and thank Primus I did.)

(I think Doc Knock wouldn't have set my broken leg if he didn't think I was sorry.)

**22. Reenacting movies with Knock Out, especially ones like ****_Despicable Me,_**** is not always a good idea.**

(I love that movie!)

(So do Knock Out and Breakdown. Knock Out likes Gru and Breakdown likes the girls.)

(I guess it's true when a movie really says _"Something for everyone!"_)

(Knock Out didn't even complain that there was no romance in it, though he did fix that lack by immediately hugging and making out with Breakdown as soon as it was over.)

(Cute for a few seconds? Yes, extremely. For five straight minutes? Not so much.)

(During my next rotation of clinic duty, I was mindlessly shifting through papers when Knock Out suddenly turned away from his computer and exclaimed that according to his records, it was time for my dental checkup.)

(He went - a little too happily - to go get his supplies while Breakdown got me in the chair and prepped my mouth.)

(We both heard a loud drill noise, which scared the frag out of me.)

(I ended up flat in the chair, eyes so wide I'm sure Breakdown thought they were just going to pop out of my head.)

(Finally I looked over at the medical assistant.)

"Breakdown... _gulp..._ I don't think he's a dentist."

(When Knock Out came back, he asked Breakdown to take the laughing gas from him.)

(Thanks to my comment, Breakdown couldn't even do it because _he was laughing too hard._)

(Ohh, the irony.)

(A little bit later, while I was trying to recover from the probably unnecessary root canal he'd given me, I got up from my desk. I was in search of something to do, so I could hopefully get my mind off the pain.)

(I walked over and pointed at something on Knock Out's desk.)

"Can I drink this?"

(He gave me a look, but then realized what I was up to, and happily replied.)

"Do you want to _explode?_"

(I took the reenacting a bit too far when, in my attempt to make him feel the pain he gave me, I kicked him.)

(It's probably a good thing he chases me, though. How else would I be able to stay in shape?)

(About a week later, I had accidentally gone through a ground bridge with him and Breakdown. In the middle of a battle with the Autobots.)

(Knock Out told me to "get out of here" because he didn't need me "screwing things up as usual.")

(After which I found myself being airlifted by a random helicopter that looked sort of like Airachnid's alt mode.)

(Some weird guy had snatched me up, and as I was wrestling with him, I looked down and saw that the Autobots had retreated. To my relief and heart-melting happiness, Doc Knock was running after the helicopter.)

(The weird guy evidently decided that I was of no use at the moment, and dropped me. I managed to grab onto the rope ladder, and screamed for Knock Out to help me.)

(He then custom-quoted probably the sweetest part of _Despicable Me._)

"Amity! Jump! I promise, I will catch you - and I will never let you go again!"

(I trusted him, and let go of the rope ladder...)

(... Only to promptly fall on my face, ten feet from where Doc Knock was standing.)

(Dear karma: you're a bitch.)

**23. If you value your life, do not compare Knock Out to Grell Sutcliff.**

(What?)

(During the boring days of clinic duty - and sometimes on weekends - I like to watch _Kuroshitsuji_ on my iPod.)

(And for some reason I tend to notice similarities between the characters of _anything_ to my giant robot buddies.)

(Megatron: an angrier, meaner Sebastian with a hair trigger temper. And bigger guns.)

(Starscream: a whinier, taller, less girly Ciel. Well... _slightly_ less girly, anyway.)

(Soundwave: A not-quite as talkative Drocell. Because... dolls are creepy, as is Soundwave.)

(Breakdown: A slightly nicer Will with a giant hammer. He kinda tries to keep us all in line.)

(And for some _wild-ass reason_ - cough, with all the reason in the world, cough - Knock Out: Grell. With... with like no changes minus the fact that he's already hooked up and therefore not quite as obsessive.)

(But come on, back me up here!)

(I can't be the only one who sees this.)

(Grell has red hair and red clothes; Knock Out's paint is red.)

(Grell likes to dance; Knock Out likes to gesture.)

(Grell's weapon is a chainsaw; Knock Out's main one is a buzzsaw.)

(Not to mention they're both feminine as all get-out. Grell wants to be referred to as a "she"; Knock Out's hand is on his hip half the time.)

(And let us not forget the old saying: with great power comes great insanity. Grell is clearly mentally unstable; and you can take it from me when I say that Knock Out can be scary as hell when he wants to be.)

(_Come on._)

(Villains with a red color scheme, girly mannerisms, effective slasher smiles, and a flair for the dramatic, who are fond of dissecting people?)

(They're long-lost freaking twins.)

(If they switched places, seriously, _nothing would change._)

(Well, I mean, people in Victorian London would probably be wondering what Doc Knock _is,_ and Megatron would be wondering how Grell got ahold of his shark teeth. But for the most part, it would be the same.)

(Of course...)

(Don't mention any of that to _Doc._)

(He takes so much offense at being compared to a "human" that he broke out the buzzsaw and tried to show me _exactly_ how he is not the same as Grell.)

(He won't listen to me about the fact that Grell is a Reaper, not a human. Apparently if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and tastes like a duck, it's a human.)

(Or a duck.)

(Bleh. Whatever. I lost my analogy.)

(I should probably be thanking him; with all the running I seem to do from him, I think I'm starting to lose some weight.)

(I... still don't want to compare him to Grell again though.)

(Last time I did, he was about an inch away from giving me a nice little haircut with his saw.)

**24. Knock Out's syringes are for medical use. They are not toys.**

(Well, uh, see, the thing is...)

(Ahhh, screw it. There's really no excuse in the world that could cover exactly how f'ed up I have to be to steal medical equipment.)

(Especially if I'm stealing it from someone like Doc Knock.)

(In my defense, I was trying to learn his craft. By practicing surgery on the headless dolls Starscream got me as a birthday present.)

(Well, they weren't headless when he gave them to me. That's just how I feel about Barbies. And Kens.)

(And Lord help him if he ever tries to give me a Lots-O'-Huggin' bear. I will tear into that thing with a knife, torch it, and toss it off the side of the ship to see if it's still on fire when it lands.)

(He should know those kinds of things aren't appropriate for an 18-year-old of _either_ gender.)

(Anyhoozle, I wanted to see whether I could do as good a job of surgery as Doc Knock does.)

(So of course my test subjects were my dolls. And before I could even _think_ about doing surgery, I had to give them an anesthetic.)

(Don't give me weird looks! Would you want _your_ doctor operating on you without putting you out like a light?)

(No, I didn't think so. So I'm going to have to ask you to _SILENCE!..._ yourself.)

(Unfortunately, while I was able to grab some of Doc Knock's syringes, it turns out they were in that bin for a _reason._)

(Apparently so I couldn't get to them.)

(While I was injecting my dolls with the energon inside, it... got all over me as well.)

(Did I neglect to the mention the rather large gashes and cuts all over me from when I jumped out of a helicopter and landed on the ground instead of into Knock Out's waiting arms?)

(Yeah, well, I had to take the bandages off my hands to play surgery with my dolls.)

(And of course my hands got doused in energon. Thanks for not sitting still for your shot, Rock Star Barbie!)

(The last thing I remember after that was getting dizzy, and I think I passed out.)

(When I woke up, I was in Med Bay, hooked up to a bunch of monitors and IVs.)

(...)

(Turns out energon is poisonous to humans.)

(Knock Out called me every name he could think of, gave me the longest speech in the history of ever, and then let Starscream loose on me.)

(I think Starscream seriously considered increasing my pain medication just so he wouldn't have to listen to my excuses.)

(I'm just grateful Breakdown was there to block all the wrenches and shit Doc Knock was throwing.)

(It, uh, may seem odd, but...)

(That's just their way of letting me know they'd care if I died.)

(Still, the list of places in Med Bay where I'm actually allowed is getting smaller and smaller.)

**25. Knock Out's energon prod? He can use it on whoever he likes, ****_when_****ever he likes.**

(I can't remember what I messed up in Med Bay, but I must have screwed _something_ up.)

(Because I got punishment by prod.)

(I'm not kidding, Doc Knock chased me around the Med Bay for like three minutes yelling that he was going to brand me with the 'Con symbol.)

(So everyone would know my ass belonged to them or something. Like people don't already know that.)

(But yeah, I couldn't sit down for over an hour after that.)

(So of course, what did I do? Go whining to Starscream as usual.)

(However, he wasn't able to help me this time. He was sick of my "high-pitched shrilling", plus he said Knock Out has free reign over who he prods and when.)

(I couldn't believe that, so I went to Megatron.)

"Are you seriously letting that mad doctor run around shocking people with that stupid prod whenever he wants?!"

(I was really upset, mostly because my backside was still sore.)

(I asked if he wanted to see the scar Knock Out had given me with that thing, but he said he didn't.)

(He also said if I didn't get my little organic aft out of his throne room in the next five seconds, I'd get the prod again.)

(Sigh.)

(It's hard living with the Decepticons sometimes.)

(But the good news, thanks to Knock Out's chasing me with that energon prod, I can finally fit into that dress for the annual, erm, _Nemesis_ Prom.)

(...)

(No, my date isn't Steve!)

(_Shut up, it's none of your fragging business!_)

* * *

**Hehehehe. Denial. Who's betting she actually IS going to the "prom" with Steve? C'mon. Steve needs love too. Him and Amity are freaking adorable together, no?**

**Next chapter is going to be some general rules. You don't have to send suggestions if you don't want to, I have enough for the next... if you want to, by all means, go ahead! But after next chapter will be some "theme" chapters. Like these! But I won't reveal till next chap~**

**Also, the "weird guy" in the helicopter? We haven't seen the last of him. Any guesses who he is? X'D Or did I make it too obvious? X'D**

**Welp, I guess that's it for this chapter! Hope you liked.**

**Thanks for reading! ^^**


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